Choppin' it up

For all of those that are new to tree felling, we've created a step by step breakdown of how to get the job done, based on our experience.

1--Survey the damage created by the tornado that rips into your town 2 weeks after you arrive. You may have desires to vomit after you notice that even though you are paying for home insurance with your new house, it costs two month's groceries to reach the deductible.

2--If your tree is mammoth like ours, you may have to borrow a 24 foot extension ladder from a neighbor (thank you Bro Jones) to reach the first branches. You'll then have to climb about 15 feet higher to get to where the broken branches are.

3--Tie yourself to the tree with a high-quality borrowed nylon rope (thanks Bro Jones) that, if you should lose your footing and fall, may break but at least will soften your blow to the ground.

4--Tie another rope onto a nearby branch and attach the other end to a hammer, which you will throw down below for your wife to catch.

5--Your wife will remove the hammer and tie on the chainsaw that you have borrowed (from Bro Jones). Hoist the chainsaw into the tree.

6--Attempt to start the chainsaw on the precarious footing in the tree. After the first near-fall your life will flash before your eyes. When you give up, lower the chainsaw back down to your wife.

7--Encourage the wife to start the chainsaw from below.

8--When your wife fails, climb down the ladder and show her how to start a chainsaw.

9--When you fail to show your manly skills, return the chainsaw to a real man (thank you Bro Jones) to show you that there is indeed nothing wrong with the chainsaw and it can be easily started.

10--Start the chainsaw on the ground, then climb the ladder and the tree. Hoist the running chainsaw into the tree and rest it genty on a limb for a moment. Tie another rope to the branch about to be sawed off and throw the end of the rope down to your wife to pull..away from the house.

11--Saw off the damaged branches.

12--Groan as one of the branches, despite your efforts, slams into your roof, tears up some shingles, and damages the gutters.

13--Saw down the branches into firewood.

14--Haul the remaining branches to the street for the city to remove.

15--Sip some lemonade in the backyard as you look at the work you've done (over the course of 4 days) and dream about next Saturday's project--fixing the roof.